Haunt Me

I see him standing in the corner shrinking away from human contact.  I sigh and shake my head as I realize it’s going to happen again.  He’s supposed to spend the night with my friends and I, but when he acts like this I know it’s not going to be an option.  He’ll only sit and mope the whole night away as each of my friends takes me aside throughout the evening and asks me what I see in him.  In his defense, at least he showed up this time.   

This had been happening for the past five months, usually after we spent a really great night together when he’d actually shared details about his life with me.  Considering the walls he’d built around himself, getting any details about his life was an accomplishment to be sure.  After this night I could usually expect some sort of sub-conscience punishment from him indicating to me that he wanted me to stop caring.  Well, it wasn’t going to happen, I can get through these tests until he’s willing to trust me.  I see something in him, I can’t put my finger on it but I know it’s there.

As I get nearer to him he looks up at me and smiles.  I debate punching myself because I’m nothing but the stereotypical girls that I despise, because I swear for just a second, my heart stopped.

“Hey Sweetheart”

“Sweetheart?  That’s the best you got, what am I five years old and have a fever?” I’ve never really been good with endearments. 

“What, no I only say that to girls who I really li- whatever”  He looks past me as he says this.  In all honesty, he never really looks me in the eye, or anyone else for that matter.

“So you came!  How was your set?  And by the way you could have brought your friends to the party!”

“Ya I told them about it, they called it your pajama party” He laughs “but you don’t want those guys here, really they're crazy.”

Damn-it.  I know this has something to do with my age, he doesn’t want them to meet me.  He's constantly brining our eight year age gap to my attention.  A couple weeks before we’d gone to the movies and he’d joked about getting me a child’s ticket and a senior for himself.  The joke was funny, if it hadn’t contained a deeper meaning of his unhappiness of that fact.  It was blatant with every movement he made.  I’d never censored myself before, but now I found myself hating my youth.  I paused to think everything through before I spoke, in fear that I might somehow reveal my age again.  I try so hard to be what he wants.

“Hey have you thought anymore about just telling everyone at comedy?  I mean what’s the point of hiding it now.”

His eyes finally rest upon mine.  This isn’t good.  The landscape changes, colours meld into one another and I feel as if I’ve somehow ended up in a painting.  I start to feel dizzy and I close my eyes.  This can’t be real I tell myself, so I pinch my arm and it’s painful.

I know this can’t be real and as I slowly open my eyes again I can see the colours have stopped.  I seem to be in a dark bedroom of sorts, and then I remember this is his room.  I must have been sleep walking and just woken up; it’s the only explanation that makes sense to me right now.   I turn towards the bed and I can see something isn’t right.  There already seems to be two people in the bed engaged in a cuddle.  This can’t be happening, because I’m standing here yet I can see his hand is caressing another form.  Then I see her face and my world shatters.  As I fall into the black abyss I look at his face.  He’s smiling at me, just like he used to.  As he turns the form over and begins to mount her, he looks at me.

“Do you regret it now?”

As I open my eyes and realize I’m in my own room as I whisper

“Yes, every minute”