A Teeth Cleaning To Remember

I enter the office ten minutes late, and walk up to the counter to let the receptionist know I’m there.  

“Hi, I have a dentist appointment for ten”

“Leigh?”

“Yep.”

“Perfect, just take a seat they’ll be ready for you in a couple minutes.”

See, that’s why I don’t worry about being late for appointments anymore.  I’ve yet to arrive at an appointment where they’re ready to commence at the scheduled time, and I hate waiting.  I usually spend my time boning up on current events from six months ago.  On a side note, did you hear about that whole Gulf oil spill thing? Bummer for sure.  

“Leigh?”

“Yes?”

“We’re ready for you now.  If you just want to follow me to the back we’ll get started.”

I walk down the same hall I’ve been walking down since I was capable of it.  Nothing’s changed over the years and I find it oddly comforting.  In the turmoil that is my life I’m somehow able to rely on the stability of my dental care. Wow, I think I just said something REALLY deep.  Write that down.  Actually, copy and paste that bad boy and you’ll be ready to go.  

So I sit in the comfortably worn chair, put on the tasteful wrap around sunglasses and lie back getting ready quick cleaning.

“So it looks like it’s been a little over a year since we last saw you.  Just in for a cleaning and check up?”

“Yep.”

“Excellent, now open wide so I can have a look.”

I open my mouth as she takes a small mirror and tours is scenery inside.

“Everything looks good, but you have a little tartar build up so a cleaning’s definitely in order.” 

She goes over to her table of what looks torture instruments.  Okay, yes I like spy movies and TV shows but I’m weak.  I will crumble before you even threaten to pull out my finger nails.  Somehow I remain calm, I’ve done this all before and I’ve never had a cavity.  Which means is that I’ve never had any reason to distrust or hate... well except for that time when I was five where I puked because of the X-ray... but I digress.  She pulls out a metal pick.

“This is a vibrating metal pick it’ll remove the tartar.”

“Okay”

The cleaning begins and as she continues on it reminds me of a colouring book.  All she has to do is stay in the

“FUCK”

“Oops, (chuckles) sorry about that looks like I got some gum.”

Oops?  You just jabbed a vibrating pick into my sensitive gum tissue.  Ha ha ha, I can’t stop laughing myself. DAMNIT AGAIN!  To be honest I don’t even know where her concentration is being pulled to.  Maybe she’s getting lost in the music?  Nope it definitely can’t be that considering the music here consists of some weird instrumental version of theme songs.  

This continues on for what feels like five hours in but reality was about ten minutes.  When she finishes I look over at her table and see a blood covered tissue.  Another day another bloody tissue filled garbage can.  Whatever pays the bills.

I continue on to the uneventful check up, finding out once again that I’m cavity free.  Another year of freedom.

Conclusion:  I will now be conducting in-depth interviews with all future dental hygienists.  I’ve put together an extensive program which includes some pretty tough hand eye coordination exams.  Get ready for some of the toughest connect the dots you’ve ever seen, and some colouring books that are in need of some serious colouring.  Don’t worry I don’t judge on colours used, but bonus points will be given for pleasing combinations.